Dealing With Dissapointment
Written Jan. 2019
Ever thought this time the things you’ve been praying for would come?
That the plans you made would manifest and would no longer just be written down in your notes or scattered in your thoughts?
I was studying for the General Knowledge Exam (GKE) required for my Bachelor’s program, and by the state of Florida to become a certified teacher. I have been trying to pass this particular test for the past two years. This was my fourth time taking it. The first time was December of 2016 and I passed the reading and essay section. The second time was in July of 2017 however, I failed English and math. The third time was in November of 2017, where I passed the English but failed math. As a result of not passing all sections, I was now blocked from taking any classes at Broward College and continuing my Bachelor's program.
Although distraught and frustrated I learned to put my emotions to the side and trust what God was doing in my life. My school became an idol, so I had to put it under the subjection of the Holy Spirit. It wasn’t about the plans I made or the timing I planned for my career nor the goals I wanted to accomplish, but It was about God’s will being done in my life. Like Jesus said when He saw the vision of Him being crucified on the cross, "Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." Luke 22:42 (NLT) Therefore, I pressed on and waited in my silent season to hear the voice of God concerning pursuing my education.
A year and a half later still no school, yet I’m pressing on day by day to trust and believe in the promises of God. I woke up to an email notification on the sixth of last month from the interim Dean at Broward College informing me that I have been chosen to attend an intensive boot camp. This class was intended to help me pass the GKE. It was fully paid for by Broward College and upon completion, I would receive a free voucher to take the math section on January 4th. I got so excited that I jumped up and down praising God and sharing my testimony that same night with others at church. Finally, after waiting for so long God has spoken I thought to myself. I spent the next couple of weeks studying and using the resources I received from Broward College to prepare for the test. I didn’t tell many people I kept it between a few at church and my family.
January fourth came and I took the test. When I clicked submit to see my unofficial score, all I saw in bold was NOT PASS. For a minute I thought I was going crazy, I thought I was dreaming. It couldn’t be, not when I gave it my all, not when I studied every day after work for hours, not when I felt so confident. Tears began to well up in my eyes and I drove myself home in shame and disappointment. I began to question God, “ Well God why did you open the door anyway? What was the point of me receiving the letter from the Dean and getting access to all these resources only to fail again? I found myself angry with God. After that day disappointment would eat me up and I would dwell on my failure. Those who were aware prayed for me and called or texted me. My Pastors would also check up on me, but I just couldn’t bring myself out of the pit of feeling sorry for myself.
One of my sisters in Christ reminded me of the people of Israel and the trails they had to go through to get to the promised land. Yet even when they got to the promised land they had to press and fight for victory from their enemies. She shared with me that although it seems I’ve lost I haven’t because Christ already won the victory on the cross, therefore I am victorious. Jesus said to his disciples, “ I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth, you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (NLT). After speaking with her I re-read the story of the Israelites and concluded yes their tribulations were great, but also what would have taken them no more than a week in the wilderness took them forty years because of their mumblings, groanings, and unbelief about what God promised them. I had to ask myself as I sat in the car on break reading. “ Will you put your faith in God, will you believe in what He has already spoken over your life? Or will you delay God’s will in your life as a result of disappointment? It was then I realized that maybe God gave me access to the free resources because He desired for me to see where I stood and how to study strategically so when I take it again I would pass. For the next few days, I would pray to God about how I felt, but I was no longer wallowing in self-pity or anger. I have chosen to “ Walk by faith and not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7-9 (NLT). I chose to believe what God says about my present and my future, even when I am not sure how I will get there.
My prayer for you is that you would dust yourself from all past and present disappointments, that you would believe what God says about you. I pray that you don’t lose hope, but regain faith in God. If He worked it out before, surely He can do it again. Trust that “God who began the good work within you will continue his work.’’ Philippians 1:6 (NLT) I hope you were blessed by my testimony. SHARE, LIKE SUBSCRIBE. #don’tgiveup#trsutGod#faithwithoutworksisdead#Godlovesyou#keeppressing#standhavingdonealltostand.
